Wow!!
I have a story:


The FREEMASONS believed in Zionism and the BIBLE. They claimed Aliens were responsible for all the abductions not gypsies or fairies. Their favorite pass time was child abuse and traveling to other dimensions in a ship left behind at Stonehedge by aliens. Vampires were the cousins of the Aliens, and they used mental telepathy to converse amongst themselves and to control humanity.  Aliens in the past have been benevolent towards humanity by imparting their secret scientific knowledge upon selected humans. The humans were ungrateful and took credit for the secret knowledge given to them. This angered the Aliens so they decided to take over the planet and destroy humanity. Humans were wasting the knowledge by misusing it and not following the specific orders given by the aliens. They believed in reincarnations and played the haarp in their spare time. The wasteful misuse of the knowledge and the annoying music from the haarps angered the aliens even further. To make matters worse the vibrations caused the time continuum to be breached and they would then travel to different dimensions because of this musical instrument. Most of the time they never knew where or when they would end up often ending up in the bedrooms of strange humans. They would then have to make up a cover story that they were actually doing genetic experiments for the benefit of mankind.
The aliens have been with us for thousands of years. They used the Mayan calendars found in the pyramids to calculate the
exact time and to let the population know when to expect their arrival. They befriended Nostradamus who was given crystals by the aliens that he used to predict the future.  The Knights of Templar were in league with the seer, and were given the crystals for safe keeping although they denied it. It was suggested that perhaps the crystals were in fact in Tibet. The Nazis wanted the crystals for their own use. Unfortunately, the crystals ended up in the hands of the communists. They also wanted world domination so they infiltrated the US government with their MIB, who with their dark glasses were indistinguishable with from the local CIA. They even hired the Rothchilds to confuse the general public as to their motives.  By this time the aliens had managed to all return to the present time. When they saw the state of the world they decided it was time to take matters into their own hands. They needed a leader who would be easily manipulated. They chose JFK, but he was assassinated. Some even blamed the assassination as a plot by aliens. They realized that to be successful they had to find the perfect leader. The chose Ariel Sharon, although they would have preferred George Bush (both of them) but the two were too busy with Afghanistan and Iraq and turned down their request. The communist meanwhile were disillusioned and angry that they were no longer a super power.  They decided to join Greenpeace. At least they got to travel the world, cause havoc and blow up things and they were familiar with that stuff anyway. In fact one of them defected and attempted to blow up the two space shuttles Challenger and Columbia. The Aliens who were afraid that their secret base would be discovered decided to stop humans from going to space. Once again they were the ones blamed for the shuttle disasters. Previously they had thought of using Easter Island as their base of operations but that was ruled out.The local reptillian population, the result of past genetic experiments kept coming ashore and messing with their equipment.They tried masquerading as Yeti or Bigfoot and scare the population. Big and scary monsters always scared the locals, but the modern humans wanted to catch them for profit.While traveling from one continent to the other they were sucked down in the Bermuda Triangle. It seems they forgot to completely destroy the defense system of the Atlanteans when they destroyed Atlantis and some of the Aliens were killed or were seriously injured. They tried to use mind control on the British Royal Family but those plans were also ruined when Diana married Charles and everyone was preoccupied with the latest scandals. Their bad luck was apparent when some of the MIB were arrested for tax evasion and spoiling the shipment of rice pudding from Cuba. While pretending to be CIA they thought the ship was actually carrying Cuban refugees and they arrested everyone. In the fracas the shipment of rice pudding was ruined. The aliens were very angry. The communists ruined their plans to take over the world in 1908 with the Siberia disaster. Someone at the annual elk festival drank too much vodka and accidentally blew up the fireworks display prematurely. One of the fireworks caused a fire on a passing UFO and it blew up. That left the aliens with nothing better than the Nazca lines and Stonehedge as markers for good landing sites. To make matters worse faked Apollo mission pictures were circulating and giving away all their secret bases. The Rhodes Scholars discovered the true mission of the aliens and decided to expose them on the Internet for all to see.The Aliens were now the laughing stock of the world. The TV series Dynasty had one of the characters abducted by aliens. Actually the Aliens were hoping to use the program to send subliminal messages and control the viewers all over the planet. Unfortunately for the aliens the show was canceled. It seems nothing was working as the Aliens planned. Their bad luck went from bad to worse. In the past they were revered as Gods, now they were the laughing stock on the Internet for the entire world.
Many aliens had to go into hiding taking human form and moving to Tibet, or hiding their ships in Loch Ness where they were mistaken for the local Loch Ness Monster.They decided the best way to control humanity was to become Liberals. No one would suspect that some Liberals were actually Aliens. They are now once again waiting for the perfect opportunity, and hopefully backup ships from their home planet to take over the world. The first item on their agenda is to get revenge on the communists for ruining their plans and forcing them to become Liberals. The second is to take over all the newsgroups on the Internet and make the UNBELIEVERS the laughing stock of the world. And finally World Domination where humans will once again worship them as they did in the past.





Cliff Smith wrote:

** Announcing the first annual **
** GRAND PRIZE KOOKERY CONTEST! **

On behalf of Hugh, Mr 4X and myself, I hereby issue a challenge to all kooks
and anyone else with too much spare time on their hands. I'll personally
offer a prize of a CD token sent to your home address (or the institution
where you are incarcerated) for the most entertaining theory that links as
many as possible of the subjects on the list below into one vast conspiracy
theory, henceforth to be known as the Grand Unified Theory of Kookdom.
Theories should be at least 500 words long, and should be as entertaining as
possible. No stupid stuff like "They're all on your dumbass gay list". Put
some effort into it guys! If it turns out to be fun we could do it again
next year. 

Without further ado, here's the list:

Freemasons
Zionism
The Bible
Aliens
Abductions
Child abuse
Other dimensions
Vampires
Telepathy
Secret scientific knowledge
Reincarnation
HAARP
Reptillians
Dallas and Dynasty (TV series)
Atlantis
Nazis
The assassination of JFK
The Mayan Calendar
The Pyramids
Crystals
Nostradamus
The Knights Templar
Lemuria
Planet X
Communists
MIBs
Iraq
Afghanistan
The Rothschilds
Ariel Sharon
George Bush (both of 'em)
Greenpeace
Liberals
The Columbia disaster
The Challenger disaster
The explosion in Siberia in 1908
The Yeti
Bigfoot
The Loch Ness monster
The Bermuda Triangle
The Nazca lines
The Easter Island statues
Stonehenge
Tibet
Time travel
The Rhodes Scholars
The British Royal Family
The (faked) Apollo missions
Rice pudding
Income tax

...plus bonus points for any other whacko subjects we might have missed.
Closing date 31st December. Winner to be judged by popular acclaim, and
announced as soon as the dust settles. Come on you kooks, here's your chance
to put all that pent-up paranoia to good use!

--
Cliff Smith

"And we'll be saying a big hello to all intelligent life forms everywhere.
And to everyone else out there, the secret is to bang the rocks together,
guys."