The Pray-For-Me Hustle

By Jaime O'Neill
Created Apr 9 2007 - 8:50am

Robert Schuller, one of America's high priests of evangelical hucksterism,
wants to pray for me. He's sitting down in southern California in that big
crystal tabernacle built for him by the gullible, just thinking about
praying for little ol' me up here in northern California. Inside the
envelope the good Rev recently sent me is his assurance that he would do
anything to help me tap into the power of prayer (though the actual text of
his letter reads "I would do almost anything to help YOU to tap into the
power of prayer" because it says on page 1 of the huckster's manual that
there is great manipulative power in the word YOU, something advertisers
have known for a coon's age). The good reverend uses the word "you" about a
dozen times in his solicitation, and because his target market is the dim
and the vulnerable, he capitalizes the word each time he uses it, just so
they won't forget whose interests are being served, y'unnerstan.

But it's fairly certain that Robert Schuller didn't write this "letter," nor
was it likely that his son and partner in crime wrote it either. They had a
marketing unit pumping out this stuff for the old, the lonely, and the lame
of body and mind. It would be pathetic if it weren't so-what's the word
here?-sinful.

Maybe you've seen Dr. Schuller on television. Even if you don't watch his
own show, he's often seen on Larry King Live, whenever Larry wants to get
the view of Christians and therefore calls upon the high-profile profiteers
of the faith to render that opinion. Schuller is the guy God gave a rather
severe facelift, paid for, no doubt, with some of that Pray-for-Me cash he
gets in the mail every day, just as sure as shootin', because he asks for it
every day on his Send-Me-a-Check Piety Hour on television, and then backs up
that cheesy extortion with the follow up pink mailing solicitations like the
one I got. Anyway, his facelift makes him look like a lizard that's been out
in the sun waaay too long, just waiting for a hapless insect to flit by.

It is difficult for me to imagine anything more cynical than the practice of
extortion conducted by these lizards year in and year out, at work in the
fields of the Lord, bringing in the sheaves as they harvest the crop from
the sick and desperate. And the hustle continues to be tax-exempt, even
though these hustlers now divert lots of their prayer cash into political
campaigns to keep the politicians in their pockets and therefore less likely
to question their tax-exempt status.

Anyway, Pastor Schuller wants to pray for me, but he can't just go ahead and
do that. He wants me to send him my prayer list, along with a check, money
order, or credit card authorization because prayer, like cable TV, don't
come free. God only answers cell phone calls, I guess, when those calls are
paid for up front.

I can only imagine the kind of personal attention my prayer list is going to
get from Reverend Schuller as the accounting department separates the checks
and the credit card numbers from the prayer requests. "Help keep this Hour
of Power alive today with your gift of $30 (or more) whatever God leads you
in your prayerful heart to provide." The good pastor continues his desire to
pray for me by offering the following options, telling me to check one of
the following boxes: "Visa MasterCard Discover American Express," and he
provides me with a little over an inch of space for me to write my prayer
request.

But, skepticism aside, I'm an American, and in no way immune from the wiles
of direct-mail marketing techniques. So I decided the best thing to do was
send in a small check, along with my prayer request. I tried to be as
specific as possible in writing that prayer request because God is a busy
diety, with lots of paid prayer requests coming in, forwarded by a host of
hucksters besides Schuller. I thought it best, therefore, that I got down to
cases without leaving a whole lot of room for interpretation. Here's my
prayer request, as requested by the Rev. Schuller.

Dear God. Give us a break and do something about George W. Bush. Help him,
Lord; he's over his head and completely out of control. He seems to think
his judgment supercedes both congress and the people who elected him, and
he's sinking the nation and the world into troubles of biblical proportions.
Because I know you care about your planet and all the creatures you put on
it, I pray you will do something about Bush, Cheney, and these others who
are despoiling your handiwork, and playing fast and loose with the lives of
your children.

The Bush people are being aided and abetted in their crimes by lots of
worshippers who pretend to be acting in your name. I'm talking about the
so-called Christian right. Since you're omniscient, I'm pretty sure you've
heard of them. Anyway, they are among the last remnants of Bush support, and
you really need to get them in line. Perhaps you could smite them or
something, the sorts of thing you used to do in the old testament when your
charges were misbehaving.

And if I were you, God, I'd be more than a little annoyed at the presumption
of guys like Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell, just to name two, who
constantly use your name to hustle people and hawk causes you probably
wouldn't sanction. You really need to check into some of the people who are
fronting your franchise. You got some wolves in charge of the flock down
here. If this is what you intended, then ignore this prayer, but if it's
not, I pray you'll get about that smiting I mentioned earlier because the
sheep are really getting sheared awful close up on the hide.

This I pray in your son's name, Lord.

Amen.

I'm not sure how much attention this prayer request will get from Rev.
Schuller. He's getting pretty old, after all, and his prayer power may be
waning with age. Besides, I only enclosed $5, and that kind of money doesn't
buy much of a prayer these days.

Still, ever hopeful, it gives me such a warm and consoling feeling knowing I
can be wrapped in the loving protection of the Lord by just checking a box
and supplying my credit card number and expiration date.



-- 
NOTICE: This post contains copyrighted material the use of which has not
always been authorized by the copyright owner. I am making such material
available to advance understanding of
political, human rights, democracy, scientific, and social justice issues. I
believe this constitutes a 'fair use' of such copyrighted material as
provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright
Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107

"A little patience and we shall see the reign of witches pass over, their
spells dissolve, and the people recovering their true sight, restore their
government to its true principles.  It is true that in the meantime we are
suffering deeply in spirit,
and incurring the horrors of a war and long oppressions of enormous public
debt.  But if the game runs sometimes against us at home we must have
patience till luck turns, and then we shall have an opportunity of winning
back the principles we have lost, for this is a game where principles are at
stake."
-Thomas Jefferson