Life of Brian

Scene 16

Brian the prophet

BORING PROPHET:
...The nephew or the donkey.
[whap]
Wha! Woooah!
[fwump]
[clap clap clap]
FALSE PROPHET:
...And, a nine-bladed sword, which he shall strike...
BLOOD & THUNDER PROPHET:
...Time when we all come together, and go...
PROPHET IN WHITE:
...And holes for the...
PROPHET IN BLACK:
...Jumbo jets...
PROPHET IN WHITE:
...every bitch how you got germs from...
PROPHET IN BLACK:
...fly up near the...
BRIAN:
Don't you, eh, pass judgment on other people, or you might get judged yourself.
COLIN:
What?
BRIAN:
I said, 'Don't pass judgment on other people, or else you might get judged, too.'
COLIN:
Who, me?
BRIAN:
Yes.
COLIN:
Oh. Ooh. Thank you very much.
BRIAN:
Well, not just you. All of you.
DENNIS:
That's a nice gourd.
BRIAN:
What?
DENNIS:
How much do you want for the gourd?
BRIAN:
I don't. You can have it.
DENNIS:
Have it?
BRIAN:
Yes. Consider the lilies...
DENNIS:
Eh, d-- d-- don't you want to haggle?
BRIAN:
No. ...in the field.
DENNIS:
What's wrong with it, then?
BRIAN:
Nothing. Take it.
ELSIE:
Consider the lilies?
BRIAN:
Uh, well, the birds, then.
EDDIE:
What birds?
BRIAN:
Any birds.
EDDIE:
Why?
BRIAN:
Well, have they got jobs?
ARTHUR:
Who?
BRIAN:
The birds.
EDDIE:
Have the birds got jobs?!
FRANK:
What's the matter with him?
ARTHUR:
He says the birds are scrounging.
BRIAN:
Oh, uhh, no, the point is the birds. They do all right. Don't they?
FRANK:
Well, good luck to 'em.
EDDIE:
Yeah. They're very pretty.
BRIAN:
Okay, and you're much more important than they are, right? So, what are you worrying about? There you are. See?
EDDIE:
I'm worrying about what you have got against birds.
BRIAN:
I haven't got anything against the birds. Consider the lilies.
ARTHUR:
He's having a go at the flowers now.
EDDIE:
Oh, give the flowers a chance.
DENNIS:
I'll give you one for it.
BRIAN:
It's yours.
DENNIS:
Two, then.
BRIAN:
Ohh. Look. There was this man, and he had two servants.
ARTHUR:
What were they called?
BRIAN:
What?
ARTHUR:
What were their names?
BRIAN:
I don't know. And he gave them some talents.
EDDIE:
You don't know?!
BRIAN:
Well, it doesn't matter!
ARTHUR:
He doesn't know what they were called!
BRIAN:
Oh, they were called 'Simon' and 'Adrian'. Now--
ARTHUR:
Oh! You said you didn't know!
BRIAN:
It really doesn't matter. The point is there were these two servants--
ARTHUR:
He's making it up as he goes along.
BRIAN:
No, I'm not! ...And he gave them some ta-- Wait a minute. Were there three?
ARTHUR:
Ohh.
EDDIE:
Oh, he's terrible!
ARTHUR:
He's terrible.
BRIAN:
There were three.
ARTHUR:
Thpppt!
BRIAN:
They were-- they were st-- stewards, really.
ELSIE:
Aww, get off!
BRIAN:
Ooh! Eh, uh, b-- b-- now-- now hear this! Blessed are they...
DENNIS:
Three.
BRIAN:
...who convert their neighbour's ox, for they shall inhibit their girth,...
MAN:
Rubbish!
BRIAN:
...and to them only shall be given-- to them only... shall... be... given...
ELSIE:
What?
BRIAN:
Hmm?
ELSIE:
Shall be given what?
BRIAN:
Oh, nothing.
ELSIE:
Hey! What were you going to say?
BRIAN:
Nothing.
ARTHUR and FRANK:
Yes, you were.
ELSIE:
Yes. You were going to say something.
BRIAN:
No, I wasn't. I'd finished.
ELSIE:
Oh, no you weren't.
ARTHUR:
Oh, come on. Tell us before you go.
BRIAN:
I wasn't going to say anything. I'd finished.
ELSIE:
No, you hadn't.
BLIND MAN:
What won't he tell?
EDDIE:
He won't say.
BLIND MAN:
Is it a secret?
BRIAN:
No.
BLIND MAN:
Is it?
EDDIE:
Must be. Otherwise, he'd tell us.
ARTHUR:
Oh, tell us the secret.
BRIAN:
Leave me alone.
YOUTH:
What is this secret?
GIRL:
Is it the secret of eternal life?
EDDIE:
He won't say!
ARTHUR:
Well, of course not. If I knew the secret of eternal life, I wouldn't say.
YOUTH:
No.
BRIAN:
Leave me alone.
GIRL:
Just tell me, please.
ARTHUR:
No. Tell us, Master. We were here first.
DENNIS:
Five.
BRIAN:
Ah!
GIRL:
Just tell--
BRIAN:
Go away!
GIRL:
Tell us, Master.
DENNIS:
I can't go above five.
GIRL:
Tell-- Is that His gourd?
YOUTH:
We've got this here.
DENNIS:
Yeah, but it's under offer.
GIRL:
This is His gourd!
DENNIS:
Ten!
GIRL:
It is His gourd! We will carry it for you, Master! Master?
YOUTH:
He's gone! He's been taken up!
GIRL:
Hhhh!
FOLLOWERS:
For He's been taken up!
DENNIS:
Eighteen!
ARTHUR:
No, there He is. Over there.
FOLLOWERS:
Oh, yeah. Master! Master!...
[FOLLOWERS chase BRIAN]

Scene 17

'He has given us... His shoe!'

[holy music]
FOLLOWERS:
Oh! Oh! Ohh! Oh! Ah! Oh!
ARTHUR:
He has given us a sign!
FOLLOWER:
Oh!
SHOE FOLLOWER:
He has given us... His shoe!
ARTHUR:
The shoe is the sign. Let us follow His example.
SPIKE:
What?
ARTHUR:
Let us, like Him, hold up one shoe and let the other be upon our foot, for this is His sign, that all who follow Him shall do likewise.
EDDIE:
Yes.
SHOE FOLLOWER:
No, no, no. The shoe is...
YOUTH:
No.
SHOE FOLLOWER:
...a sign that we must gather shoes together in abundance.
GIRL:
Cast off...
SPIKE:
Aye. What?
GIRL:
...the shoes! Follow the Gourd!
SHOE FOLLOWER:
No! Let us gather shoes together!
FRANK:
Yes.
SHOE FOLLOWER:
Let me!
ELSIE:
Oh, get off!
YOUTH:
No, no! It is a sign that, like Him, we must think not of the things of the body, but of the face and head!
SHOE FOLLOWER:
Give me your shoe!
YOUTH:
Get off!
GIRL:
Follow the Gourd! The Holy Gourd of Jerusalem!
FOLLOWER:
The Gourd!
HARRY:
Hold up the sandal, as He has commanded us!
ARTHUR:
It is a shoe! It is a shoe!
HARRY:
It's a sandal!
ARTHUR:
No, it isn't!
GIRL:
Cast it away!
ARTHUR:
Put it on!
YOUTH:
And clear off!
SHOE FOLLOWER:
Take the shoes and follow Him!
GIRL:
Come,...
FRANK:
Yes!
GIRL:
...all ye who call yourself Gourdenes!
SPIKE:
Stop! Stop! Stop, I say! Stop! Let us-- let us pray. Yea, He cometh to us, like the seed to the grain.

Scene 18

Hava Nagila

[holy music]
FOLLOWERS:
Master! Master!...
BRIAN:
Hey! Is there another way down? Is there another path down to the river?
HAVA NAGILA:
Mmmmmmm.
BRIAN:
Please! Please help me! I've got to get--
HAVA:
Mm.
[whump]
Oh, my foot! Oh!
BRIAN:
Shhhh.
HAVA:
Oh, damn, damn, damn!
BRIAN:
Well, I'm sorry. Shhh.
HAVA:
Oh, damn, damn, and blast it!
BRIAN:
I'm sorry. Shhhh!
HAVA:
Don't you 'shhhh' me. Eighteen years of total silence, and you 'shhhh' me!
BRIAN:
What?
HAVA:
I've kept my vow for eighteen years. Not a single, recognisable, articulate sound has passed my lips.
BRIAN:
Oh, please. Could you be quiet for another five minutes?
HAVA:
Oh, it doesn't matter now. I might as well enjoy myself. The times in the last eighteen years I've wanted to shout and sing and...
BRIAN:
Shhhh.
HAVA:
...scream my name out! Oh, I'm alive!
BRIAN:
Shhh.
HAVA:
Hava Nagila!
BRIAN:
Shhh.
HAVA:
Hava Nagila! Hava Nagila, ha ha ha! Look out. Oh, I'm alive! I'm alive! Hello birds! Hello trees! I'm alive! Get off. I'm alive! Hava Nagila. Hava the relinq--
FOLLOWERS:
Master! The Master! Master! Master!...
SHOE FOLLOWER:
The Master! Aha. He is here!
FRANK:
Master!
FOLLOWERS:
The shoe!...
ARTHUR:
The shoe has brought us here!
ARTHUR and HARRY:
Speak!
FOLLOWERS:
Shhhhh!
ARTHUR and HARRY:
Speak to us, Master! Speak to us!
BRIAN:
Go away!
FOLLOWERS:
A blessing! A blessing!
ARTHUR:
How shall we go away, Master?!
BRIAN:
Oh, just go away! Leave me alone!
SHOE FOLLOWER:
Give us a sign!
ARTHUR:
He has given us a sign! He has brought us to this place!
BRIAN:
I didn't bring you here! You just followed me!
SHOE FOLLOWER:
Oh, it's still a good sign by any standard.
ARTHUR:
Master! Your people have walked many miles to be with You! They are weary and have not eaten.
BRIAN:
It's not my fault they haven't eaten!
ARTHUR:
There is no food in this high mountain!
BRIAN:
Well, what about the juniper bushes over there?
FOLLOWERS:
Hhhh! A miracle! A miracle! Ohh!...
SHOE FOLLOWER:
He has made the bush fruitful by His words.
YOUTH:
They have brought forth juniper berries.
BRIAN:
Of course they've brought forth juniper berries! They're juniper bushes! What do you expect?!
ELSIE:
Show us another miracle!
ARTHUR:
Do not tempt Him, shallow ones! Is not the miracle of the juniper bushes enough?!
HAVA:
I say, those are my juniper bushes.
ARTHUR:
They are a gift from God!
HAVA:
They're all I've bloody got to eat. Uhm. I say, get off those bushes! Go on! Clear off, the lot of you. Go on.
HARRY:
Lord! I am affected by a bald patch.
BLIND MAN:
I am healed! The Master has healed me!
BRIAN:
I didn't touch him!
BLIND MAN:
I was blind, and now I can see! Aargh!
[whump]
FOLLOWERS:
A miracle! A miracle! A miracle!
HAVA:
Tell them to stop it. I hadn't said a word for eighteen years till he came along.
FOLLOWERS:
A miracle! He is the Messiah!
HAVA:
Well, he hurt my foot!
FOLLOWERS:
Hurt my foot, Lord! Hurt my foot. Hurt mine...
ARTHUR:
Hail Messiah!
BRIAN:
I'm not the Messiah!
ARTHUR:
I say You are, Lord, and I should know. I've followed a few.
FOLLOWERS:
Hail Messiah!
BRIAN:
I'm not the Messiah! Will you please listen? I am not the Messiah, do you understand?! Honestly!
GIRL:
Only the true Messiah denies His divinity.
BRIAN:
What?! Well, what sort of chance does that give me? All right! I am the Messiah!
FOLLOWERS:
He is! He is the Messiah!
BRIAN:
Now, fuck off!
[silence]
ARTHUR:
How shall we fuck off, O Lord?
BRIAN:
Oh, just go away! Leave me alone.
HAVA:
You told these people to eat my juniper berries. You break my bloody foot. You break my vow of silence, and then you try and clean up on my juniper bushes!
BRIAN:
Oh, lay off!
ARTHUR:
This is the Messiah, the Chosen One!
HAVA:
No, he's not.
BRIAN:
Aaaagh!
ARTHUR:
An unbeliever!
FOLLOWERS:
An unbeliever!
ARTHUR:
Persecute! Kill the heretic!
FOLLOWERS:
Kill the heretic! Kill him! Persecute! Kill!...
BRIAN:
Leave him alone! Leave him alone! Leave him alone. Put him down. Please!
JUDITH:
Brian?
BRIAN:
Judith?

[ Parent ]

This document was transcribed by Adam R. Jones

Captured 9/12/96