Scientific Correctness: Cosmic Kidnapping Results

Date:  29 May, 1997 19:49:43
From: Bill Eagle
To: antioch
Subject: Alien Abductions

From:    Jack Kolb <KOLB@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: alien abductions?

[from the wonderful mini-AIR (Annuals of Improbable
Research), May 97]

1997-05-05      Scientific Correctness: Cosmic Kidnapping
Results

Last month our ongoing Scientific Correctness Survey posed
the question: Are citizens of earth being kidnapped by
aliens from outer space? Here are the survey results, as
summarized by invetigator N. Bourbaki.

FOR AND AGAINST: 33% of the voters affirmed that citizens of
the Earth ARE being kidnapped by aliens from outer space,
while 37% denied the possibility. The remaining respondents
were concerned with a number of peripheral issues. These
included:
        "the meaning of the word kidnapping";
        "the meaning of the word alien"; and
        "Lyle Lovett"
One respondent suggested that a better term than
"kidnapping" would be "poaching." Another preferred the
phrase "unsolicited biological experimentation aboard a
mobile facility."  The legal and economic ramifications of
alien abduction also were of concern to many people (more on
that another time, perhaps).

JUSTIFIED ALIENS: A number of voters felt the aliens are
completely justified in their endeavors because the United
States government has been incarcerating and experimenting
on aliens for years. (No other governments were credited
with comparable undertakings, no pun intended.) One voter
placed the blame for all kidnappings on the shoulders of a
particular Harvard faculty member, while a second blamed the
Swedish secret service. Two home pages were mentioned,
neither of which we checked out:
        www.mk.net/~mcf/lammer1.htm and
        www.mk.net/~mcf/handout.htm

WHO'S GOING: A number of voters raised the question of WHO
is being abducted. The significance of the "alarming
frequency with which they are being sent back" was also
raised. Several voters said that people were being kidnapped
"not in adequate quantities." If you would like to suggest
that some specific person be abducted, please send the name
to <bourbaki@neu.edu>. We will try to arrange travel
discounts provided that a Saturday night stay is included.

THE EDUCATION QUESTION: Our supplemental question asked:
"Should we require that schoolchildren be taught to protect
themselves against extraterrestrial abductors?" 28% of the
respondents said yes and 35% said no. (Why a whopping 37%
don't care is anyone's guess.) Of the 37% who denied that
abductions occur, a full 40% still felt that children should
be educated to handle such an event. Two different
respondents (whom we assume do not know each other) compared
this learning experience to their own experiences as
schoolchildren when they were taught what to do in case of
an atomic bomb explosion.

THE EDUCATION ANSWER: Of the 33% who voted that alien
abduction does occur, only 30% felt that school children
should be taught appropriate defensive tactics. This was
explained by one reader who, realizing that "any such aliens
possess superior scientific knowledge" and are "clearly
performing experiments to advance scientific understanding",
concludes that any attempt to educate the children "would
tend to invalidate the experimental results and should be
discouraged."  Alternate justifications for not educating
our children were: "Once captured, there is a finite chance
that the aliens might keep them"; "Let's bring back naked
Darwinism"; and "it just might raise SAT scores." One
correspondent simply felt our teachers are not up to the job.

THE ESSENTIAL THING: Finally, one correspondent specified
what the children *should* be taught -- namely, to
"recognize the difference between a Grey and a Ross Perot."

Jack Kolb
Dept. of English, UCLA
kolb@ucla.edu


Willy (Bill Eagle)
eaglew@aone.com