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From: "John W. Ratcliff" <johnr@simutronics.com> Date: Mon, 11 Jan 1999 10:42:06 -0800 |
Rhetorical Questionnaire, 10 questions that could change your life. Just what is a rhetorical questionnaire? Wait, don't answer that. Recently I have commented on the subject of alien autopsy hoaxing grooviness. Not too long ago I ranted with a great deal of spittle, spouting the fine distinction between a UFO cult, a Jehovah cult, and a can of spam. Since I've never done any actual UFO research and my public presence in the UFO field has been strictly limited to shooting my mouth off, an oozing orifice of sarcasm, most might wonder what, if anything, I have to say. It is probably for this very reason that this questionnaire is so rhetorical. What's the purpose in answering a bunch of nonsense written by an admitted lunatic? Not really worth the effort at all is it? For what reason am I posting this message? You don't have to answer this question, I plan to tell you. I am bemused by the recent developments surrounding Joseph Smith (woops, pardon me!!) I mean Joseph Firmage, and his sudden decision to give up the good life of working himself to death CEOing a major megabucks super-corporation to become a bit player in UFO mythology, right around the time when that great odometer in the sky ticks over all those way cool zeroes. It seems some glowing alien dude shows up in his bedroom at night, waxing poetically on all that is cosmic, and meanwhile an anonymous postal employee hands him a pile of dissinformational documents, and he gets all spiritual and stuff, feeling compelled to spend way too much money setting up a web site that seems to have the express purpose of hiding all of the actual material the casual surfer might actually want to read. And where does that weirdo cultist John Ratcliff fit into this equation? What's his kick? Oh..oh..wait, I know the answer to that one. What tickles John's fancy ain't those silly aliens, it ain't those super sekrit gummint intelligence agents, what intrigues John is why folks like Firmage, Mack, Hopkins, Smith, Moses, Saul, and others change their lives in such dramatic fashion based on a singular psycho-spiritual experience? Here's the questionnaire. Since it is in fact rhetorical, all of the correct answers are listed at the bottom of the page: ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ (1) Who is in charge of the UFO cover-up? (a) The US gummint. (b) Whoever is flying the dang UFO's. (b) There ain't no such thing as UFO's, therefore there ain't no cover-up. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ (2) An alien shows up in your bedroom, all glowing with light, and says there is a great galactic federation, that humanity is going to join up real soon, and that you, personally, should quit your job and inform the world of these momentous events, that you should affect world change and shape world opinion. What do you do? (a) Quit your job, set up a website, and devote your life to spreading this personal revelation to the world. (b) Hug your kids. (c) See a therapist. (d) Realize that it's not _your_ job to inform the world about the galactic federation, you aren't even on payroll, and that _they_ are in a far better position to perform this task than you are. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ (3) UFO's, if real, are.... (a) The single more important event in human history. (b) Not necessarily proof of extraterrestrial biological entities. (c) Manifestations of Satan, demons pure and simple, straight from the fourth dimension. (d) Not nearly as important as how happy your children are today. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ (4) A source who is deeply involved in the black government discloses tantalizing hints about the extraterrestrial presence. This means... (a) The final proof required to solve the mystery, the enigma, the riddle, that is UFO. (b) Without evidentiary value. (c) An interesting twist in the evolution of modern mythology. (d) An obvious dissinformation effort by the powers which suppress the truth about the alien presence. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ (5) An archeological discovery is made, from the dawn of early human civilization, which provides a tale that sounds uncannily like nuclear weapons being launched from spaceships piloted by humanlike gods. This is proof positive.. (a) That mankind is the product of a genetic engineering program administered by ancient gods who combined alien DNA with that of early ape men to produce modern Homo Sapiens as a slave race. (b) That early man was a primitive savage, full of superstitions and was capable of creating rich mythologies based on an ignorant understanding about the world. (c) The dangers of speculating beyond a hopelessly limited data set. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ (6) While gardening, a UFO lands in your back yard and an alien steps out. You... (a) Run screaming for the hills. (b) Seek psychiatric help. (c) Contact the USAF. (d) Offer him a buckwheat pancake to see if he gets the joke. (e) Rub your eyes and hope it goes away. (f) Refuse to answer the question because such a thing could never happen. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ (7) An alien being approaches you, all glowing an full of light, and wishes to enlist you in his/her/it's program to usher mankind into a new golden age. You... (a) Fall down in awe and prostrate yourself before this powerful spiritual being. (b) Call the alien being to task for his secretive nature and insist that he do his own dirty work, pointing out that you, being Homo sapiens and all, refuse to be party to such a subversive agenda. (c) Shrug the whole thing off as a bit of bad wiring in your temporal lobe. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ (8) You see a UFO, an actual flying saucer, at close range. You see it, and experience it in full vivid all senses Technicolor. This is... (a) Proof that you are going insane. (b) Proof that you are having spontaneous hallucinations. (c) Proof enough for yourself that UFOs are as real as rain. (d) Proof of nothing since you cannot recreate it on demand under laboratory conditions. (e) It's a bogus question since it's impossible for something like that to ever happen. (f) Probably just a hoax. (g) Secret gummint aircraft. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ (9) Your best friend claims to have been abducted by aliens and experiences symptoms of shock, despair, confusion and a soul shattering change in his personal cosmology. This is... (a) Proof that experiential reality is relative. You feel concern for your fellow man, while at the same time remaining confused and ambivalent about what it all means to yourself. (b) Proof that your friend is nuts and should be put in an institution. (c) Proof positive of evil space aliens intent on raping humanity. (d) Proof that your 'so called' friend is a hoaxer, liar, and jerk. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ (10) Relativism is the most rational approach to experiential reality when communicating among members of your own species. (a) Yes. (b) No. (c) Maybe. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ This ends the rhetorical questionnaire. Thanks for playing our game. No answers or replies of any kind are necessary. You can check your score in the privacy of your own home. John W. Ratcliff Still not contacted by the Spirit World, 38 years and counting. 1 (b) 2 (d) 3 (d) 4 (c) 5 (c) 6 (d) 7 (c) 8 (c) 9 (a) 10 (c) +--------------------------------------------------------------+ | UFOMIND MAILING LIST | | Supporting the World's Largest Paranormal Website | | www.ufomind.com Moderator: Glenn Campbell | | | | Archived at: http://www.ufomind.com/misc/ | | Submissions to: ufomind@lists.best.com | | "unsubscribe" (in body) to: ufomind-request@lists.best.com | +--------------------------------------------------------------+ RELEVANCE OF THIS MESSAGE: Humor Index: UFO Humor (#28)
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Created: Jan 11, 1999