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UFO UpDates Mailing List

From: Glenn Joyner <infohead@airmail.net>
Date: Fri, 20 Dec 1996 08:58:33 -0600
Fwd Date: Fri, 20 Dec 1996 17:51:43 -0500
Subject: Alien Humour

Many of you have seen these before, but after my son and I saw Mars Attack
the other day, I figured some of the newbies might get a kick out of
these, heh heh.



Sure, it seems easy being a space alien. You've got your x-ray vision,
your late model space ships and media coverage galore. But, as usual
with most glamour jobs, there's a lot of nitty gritty work the public
doesn't get to see. The job can become routine, and even a bit tedious,
as we learned when we stumbled upon this intriguing page from...

A SPACE ALIENS DATE BOOK
*************************************************************************
 8:15 A.M. Leave asteroid for work.                                     |
                                                                        |
 9:00 A.M. Hover over cornfield on outskirts of small midwestern town.  |
                                                                        |
 9:30 A.M. Land in backyard where housewife is hanging laundry.         |
           Silence barking dog with penetrating gaze.                   |
                                                                        |
10:00 A.M. Stun housewife with laser-gun or energy pulsating finger-    |
           tips. Levitate her body just long enough to be glimpsed by   |
           a passing motorist. Materialize the body inside spaceship.   |
           Remove internal organs; weigh, label and categorize. Return  |
           most, if not all, to the body. Erase all traces of surgery.  |
           Rematerialize housewife in backyard. Turn back time two hours|
           Bid enigmatic goodbye. Leave.                                |
                                                                        |
 1:00 P.M. Visit once prestigious astronomer who everyone thinks has    |
           gone mad. Deliver pep talk. Leave him fist-sized fragments   |
           of an unidentifiable element.                                |
                                                                        |
 2:15 P.M. Drop by Whitley Strieber's house, pick up royalty check from |
           best seller, Communion.                                      |
                                                                        |
 3:00 P.M. Hover over southwestern desert.                              |
                                                                        |
 3:30 P.M. Offer psychotic drifter a lift.                              |
                                                                        |
 4:30 P.M. Pose for cover of "Weekly World News" with President Clinton.|
           Discuss ozone depletion, space travel, future political      |
           endorsements.                                                |
                                                                        |
 6:30 P.M. Back at the asteroid. Introduce psychotic drifter to other   |
           aliens. Listen to Windham Hill.                              |
                                                                        |
 9:00 P.M. Dinner. Eat drifter.                                         |
                                                                        |
10:00 P.M. Wash antennae, brush eyeballs, peel off outer layer of skin. |
           Beam cryptic message to NASA satelite. Lights out.           |