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From: XianneKei@aol.com
Date: Mon, 11 Aug 1997 02:36:51 -0400 (EDT)
Fwd Date: Mon, 11 Aug 1997 09:27:20 -0400
Subject: Skunk ape crosses the line

http://www.naplesnews.com/today/local/skunkape.htm

Brent Batten: Skunk ape crosses the line

Saturday, August 09, 1997

OK, that's it.

The thousand injuries inflicted on my home state I have borne as best I
could.

I'll nod sympathetically as I hear for the umpteenth time from the
exteenth different person the story of the car with the Ohio license
plates, driving slowly down U.S. 41 with a right turn signal flashing
then suddenly swerving left across two lanes of traffic to get to
Morrison's.

After all, I've told similar stories myself, just substituting Michigan
or Indiana plates.

I'll force a laugh when subjected to that Florida tourism radio
commercial that says that if you take away Florida's warm weather, sunny
beaches and lush golf courses you are left with -- Cleveland.

Even we Ohioans used to have an occasional chuckle at Cleveland's
expense. That was among family.

But I draw the line at the skunk ape.

Novelist Randy Wayne White believes the skunk ape, the bigfoot-like
creature reputed to be wandering the wilds of eastern Collier County, is
"The result of an Ohioan mating with a Canadian."

The skunk ape has been sighted several times in the past few weeks by
residents and tourists around Turner River Road. It is big, hairy and
smells bad.

According to Ochopee resident David Shealy, who became an instant
celebrity and expert on the skunk ape on Tuesday when he presented a set
of plaster footprints and a blurry photo to Collier County commissioners
for their inspection, the Florida skunk ape likes dried beans,
especially lima beans, and is more aggressive than its northern cousin,
the sasquatch.

Now as anyone born of Ohio parents can tell you, lima beans are not a
favorite food. Too many summer afternoons spent shelling beans under a
mother's watchful eye tend to ruin one's enthusiasm for the dish.

And as for aggressiveness, the few Canadians who do summer in the
Florida heat generally do so within the confines of central air. These
genes are not predisposed to stalk the swamp in late July.

It can therefore be deduced that the skunk ape is not descended from an
Ohioan and Canadian. This finding is every bit as clinical as the
pronouncement of Robert Smith, a private investigator working for the
Bigfoot Research Organization, who, when declaring the sightings
authentic, said: "With the heat and the mosquitoes, I can't believe it's
some guy in a gorilla suit."

You can't argue with a body of evidence like that.

Skunk ape sightings will likely boost tourism in a part of the county
that could use it right about now. Some have even suggested that the
entire flap may be a hoax intended to do just that.

Such cynicism aside, the scientific method requires that we try to
disprove the various theories behind the skunk ape. One of the first
that can be discarded is Mr. White's hypothesis about the Ohioan and the
Canadian.

After all, any self-respecting parent from my home state would have this
kid, at 7 feet, 600 pounds, wearing an Ohio State football jersey.